I Never
by Silver Dragon Golden Dragon
Summary: Joey decides one morning that his new goal in life is to get Kaiba drunk. But what's really going to happen? I didn't expect this ending. Honest.


-1"My new mission in life," Joey Wheeler announced one Friday before class, "Is to get Seto Kaiba drunk."

His friends stared at him. "Why?" Téa asked.

"Oh come on,' Joey said, " haven't you ever wondered what he'd be like drunk?"

Téa considered it briefly. "No."

"But now that you've said it," Tristan said, "I know I won't be able to stop wondering until I've seen it."

Finally, Yugi spoke. "I don't think you should do it, Joey. He'd be furious if you managed it."

"Besides," Téa added, "How WOULD you manage it-- slip him date rape or something?"

Joey stared at her levelly. "I want him drunk, not unconscious or worse."

"You could try vodka," Tristan said, "It's supposed to be tasteless, right? And you can control the dosage better."

Yugi couldn't help himself. "But Joey's dad can't afford really good vodka, and I thought the cheap stuff was supposed to burn when it goes down."

Joey grinned. "Not if you run it through a water filter first."

There was a pause. "I don't want to know how you know that," Téa said.

"Of course you don't," Joey said, smiling sweetly.

Just then the man in question entered the classroom. They all stopped to watch him as he crossed the room, sat down, and got out a book. He then noticed their attention.

"What?"

"Nothing, Kaiba," Joey answered, and for once his poker face was perfect. Looking uncomfortable, Kaiba turned himself so he wouldn't accidentally notice them still watching him, and opened his book. Joey snickered.

"It probably wouldn't take that much-- notice he doesn't fill his jacket out, he's pretty skinny."

Téa hushed him. "I suspect he's got good hearing, too, you jerk."

Tristan swiped at Joey's hair. "Dumb blonde."

"Blondes are not dumb," Joey answered tartly, "Just less reserved."

000

000

000

Kaiba knew perfectly well something was up. When he heard the whispered comment about him not filling his jacket, though, he felt his ears heat. Was he still really that thin? He'd been eating better, he'd thought, since his step father had died, but apparently that hadn't helped much.

Of course, he didn't tend to get much sleep even now, and that murdered his appetite...

He growled at himself. What did he care what that idiot thought, anyhow?

Because that idiot apparently had some plans for him, that was what. He knew he could take Wheeler in any fight, despite the other young man's more muscular physique, because he had done it in the past-- Joey had no discipline, no training. But what if he was planning on slipping him something?

He was going to have to be cautious. Of course, Kaiba stayed to himself during lunch hour, but Wheeler might have some way of breaking into his locker-- the kid was a felon.

Kaiba had to admit that Wheeler probably didn't mean him any real harm-- but that didn't mean he couldn't inflict it.

He waited until after class and then confronted Yugi.

"You were talking about me this morning."

Yugi shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Why?"

Yugi looked away from him. Kaiba knew the shorter boy wouldn't want to betray his friend, but he also knew that Yugi tried to be a friend to Kaiba himself, as well. Probably quite a miniature dilemma.

"You have to promise not to go after him for this, Kaiba."

Kaiba shrugged slightly. "Whatever."

"No, not whatever," Yugi said sternly. "You have to promise not to start a fight with him. He hasn't done anything yet, he might even change his mind."

Kaiba scowled impatiently. "Change his mind about WHAT, Yugi?"

Yugi groaned, blushing. "This is so stupid... Joey wants to get you drunk."

Kaiba's jaw almost dropped. "He wants to what?"

"Get you drunk. Or at least see you drunk."

Kaiba stared at the ceiling. "You have to be kidding me."

"Kaiba, when have I ever kidded you?"

Kaiba looked back down at him. "WHY?" It was Yugi's turn to shrug.

"He's curious. When has Joey ever needed more of a reason than that?"

Kaiba looked away, rubbed the back of his neck. "That... lunatic."

They were silent for a moment, Yugi studying Kaiba's face, waiting for the explosion.

Kaiba sighed. "Th-Thanks for telling me, Yugi."

Yugi's eyebrows rose, but he didn't voice his surprise. "You're welcome."

Kaiba walked away, thoughts racing. That explained quite a bit. Except for the why. Did Joey just like the thought of seeing him vulnerable somehow? He shuddered. That was not something for Joey's eyes, he knew that much. Not something he wanted anyone to see.

Wheeler was stubborn, though-- Kaiba knew very well he wouldn't change his mind, like Yugi had suggested. Even if Kaiba avoided the situation altogether by dropping out (it was hardly like he needed the diploma, although he preferred to finish what he started) it would only plant the desire deeper in Joey's head and heart, and Joey would find a way to fulfill his weird little fantasy. He was resourceful that way.

He hadn't really promised Yugi he wouldn't pick a fight-- but he knew Yugi would hold him to it anyway. But if he just spoke to Wheeler--

That probably wouldn't work. All their conversations seemed to degenerate into name-calling and yelling. Except during the duel at the foot of Alcatraz tower... That had almost been embarrassing, though-- Kaiba hated when Joey made valid points, it was like the fabric of time and space was ripping.

000

000

000

Kaiba ended up calling him anyway. Joey had a very normal way of answering the phone-- "Lo?" Kaiba grit his teeth.

"Wheeler, I know what you're up to, and don't even try it."

There was laughter on the other end. "I know, Yugi admitted he told you. C'mon, haven't you ever wondered what it would be like?"

"No, and I don't want to know."

"It's very pleasant," Joey said, conversationally. "Otherwise, you know, people wouldn't do it."

"What's supposed to be so pleasant about loss of inhibition?"

"It RELAXES you, Kaiba-- heaven knows you don't relax enough, obsessive little thing you are."

Kaiba snarled. "That's it, I'm hanging up."

"Go ahead."

"Fine."

"You know I'm not going to let up, right?"

"Nnn."

"So you know, I'd be satisfied even if I were the only person to see it."

Kaiba hung up.

He stood up, paced his office a few times.

Then he sat down and picked the phone back up.

"Wheeler."

"Hey Kaiba."

"Do you mean what you said-- you'd let up if--"

"Sure. I'd have to at least lie to Tristan about what it was like, though, since I got him curious."

"You can lie."

"Yes, yes I can."

Kaiba gritted his teeth again. "Fine. Mokuba's staying with a friend tonight--"

Joey chuckled. "You're serious, huh? And you want me to show up when?"

"Ten. I'll send someone to pick you up."

"Don't-- I know the way, you know."

That was right-- he did. "Whatever."

"Hey, I just don't want anyone making a big scene about a KaibaCorp limo in the low-rent districts-- it's embarrassing."

Kaiba had to agree. This whole thing was embarrassing.

000

000

000

When Joey did show up, it was like he had materialized on the doorstep. He was right on time, too-- Kaiba groaned. There was really no backing out now. The only real comfort he could take in this was that Mokuba wasn't home. Urgh.

"You didn't say who was supposed to supply the alcohol, and I suspect you can't technically buy it," Joey said, holding up a shopping bag.

Kaiba stared at him. "Then where did you get it?"

"Nicked it off my alcoholic bum of a father, that's where." He misinterpreted Kaiba's stricken expression. "He's not going to notice, he's usually too burned out."

"How do you EAT?" Kaiba said, shocked.

"I'm a surprisingly good cook," Joey said smugly. "Not to mention I have two jobs."

Kaiba stared at him for a moment. Then he turned around and headed upstairs, to one of the sitting rooms. "Let's get this lunacy over with."

Joey grinned and followed.

000

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000

"You don't get drunk nursing your drink," Joey said about an hour later. Kaiba stared at the carpet.

"Neh," he answered, not having anything better to say. The stuff tasted awful and burned his throat. Joey had finished several bottles off already-- it seemed he was a seasoned drinker.

"Well..." Joey crossed the room to sit on the couch next to him. Kaiba sidled away. "Oh, don't be like that," Joey said, smiling muzzily. "At least one of us got to see the other drunk, eh?"

Kaiba gave him an annoyed look-- and Joey kissed him. He tasted like the rum.

Shocked, Kaiba shoved the other man away. "What the hell?!" He wiped at his mouth, glaring at Joey over his hand.

Joey grinned at him, not looking particularly surprised at his reaction. "Oh, come on, Kaiba..." he said softly, reaching out and touching Kaiba's shoulder, "haven't you ever wondered what it would be like?"

They stared at one another for a moment. "Yes..." Kaiba admitted, despite himself. Joey smiled and kissed him again. He responded more receptively this time, setting his glass on the floor as they sank into the couch.

000

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000

"You know, I think you WERE a little drunk," Joey informed him the next morning.

Kaiba blinked. "Meh?" he asked. They were in his bed, the curtains drawn and Joey's arm around his stomach. His head was throbbing gently.

He shifted in Joey's arms to face him. "How did we get here?"

Joey kissed his nose lightly, making Kaiba frown. "I dragged you in here when you fell asleep," he answered. "You're a hard sleeper, you know that?"

Kaiba pulled away, getting up to open the curtains slightly. "I don't tend to get much sleep," he said.

"Mm, that would explain it," Joey agreed, stretching luxuriously. Kaiba tried not to watch him. He looked out the window instead.

"Why did you stay after... After moving me?"

Joey laughed, and Kaiba heard the bedsprings bounce as he left the bed. Strong arms snaked around his waist, and Joey's chin came to rest on his shoulder. "It's rude to just leave in the middle of the night, you know."

Kaiba was silent.

"This is... very bewildering," he finally said. He placed a hand over one of Joey's.

"It's something new to you," Joey said softly, and he nuzzled Kaiba's brown hair. Kaiba tilted his head back some.

"I never..."

Never what? Never looked at Joey like that? That wasn't quite true. Never imagined it to be like that? Maybe. Never expected this to be the way he'd lose his virginity? Probably. Joey's lips were on his shoulder. He didn't really care right now what he'd been trying to say.

000

000

000

"So you really pulled it off, huh?" Tristan asked. It was Monday morning, and Kaiba wasn't in the classroom yet. Despite themselves Téa and Yugi turned expectantly.

Joey grinned. "Yeah. I was right, it didn't take much."

"What was he like, then?"

The blonde considered his words carefully before speaking.

"Friendlier."

teh endzz!!!1!

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Author's notes: This is probably the only puppyshipping story we'll ever write, or at least the only one we'll ever put up. It only got written because a certain someone has a computer in her bedroom now. We won't be continuing it, so do not ask.

No, we did not write any lemon and then take it out. There is nowhere you will find one, not for this story. Write your own, you pervs.

Yes, Seto is a virgin in this story (until the end, of course). Yes, Seto is the "uke" here or whatever you call it. You don't have to be girly to be the uke. You don't have to win duels all the time to be a seme. Joey's one of the most masculine characters in the cast, and it's disgusting to see his supposed "fans" emasculating him. He'd be horrified at you. (Or at least very, very offended.)

Besides, why would gay guys be attracted to a FEMININE man? Gay guys are attracted to MASCULINITY. That's why they're gay. (Although in this story, at least, I'm quite sure that Joey is bi, not gay.)

In the early manga, Kaiba really is too small for his uniform jacket. It's kind of cute. We suspect he's insecure about it, though, because the Battle City trenchcoat (and many of his other coats) seem to be designed to make him look larger.

Hope you guys enjoyed this, sorry about the minirant.

Oh yeah- we don't own Yugioh, or any of the characters. We don't even own the idea about running cheap vodka through a water filter to remove the burn-- that's someone else's.


End file.
